Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
