I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
