Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
