please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
