the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
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he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
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i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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