Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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