I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
