You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
