I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
