i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
