Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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