i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
