Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
