he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
