The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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