He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
