you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
