Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
