If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
