I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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