anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
