P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
