At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
