Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
