how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
