Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
