3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
