So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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