About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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