I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
