the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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