Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
