why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
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New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
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more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.