he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
