Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
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I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
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Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
