batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
time to smoke my breakfast
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
