can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
