Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
