he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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