Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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