My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
