I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think I just sharted jello shots
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