I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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