if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
