I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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