the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
not ubering you a puppy
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
