everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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