remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
