respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
