I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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