Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
