her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
