I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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