dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have aggressive nipples.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
