ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
