he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Randomize
