someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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