No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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