Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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