you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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